The Blog of 9dragonz

I'm not sure what I believe when it comes to the whole concept of soul mates. I believe that more than one person can be a 'fit' for us in our life time. So I think part of me then believes we can have several potential soulmates - not just one.

The romantic side of me tends to lean towards the only 'one' soulmate belief structure.

Here's the deal - my ENTIRE life, even as a kid, I recall having this feeling inside that there was 'someone' out there for me - waiting for me. I continued to feel this way throughout my entire relationship with my ex hubby. And then I met by last boyfriend and fell deeply in love - felt completely connected and accepted and comfortable with him in a way I'd never thought possible for me and I was so very content and happy and felt blessed each day. I knew the difference of what I felt with him vs how I'd felt all the days prior to being with him. I realized that I no longer felt that there was 'someone out there' ... it was as if I was where I belonged and with who I was supposed to be with.

Well he broke up with me last year - early last year. However, we own a home together and I didn't want to move out of my home (I had to explain to him why I didn't want to pack up and move me and my daughter - even if I had to struggle to make the mortgage, etc. - I wanted to at least 'try' to stay in my home!). And he hasn't moved out yet.

For the first year, I thought it was because he wasn't really sure he wanted to break up (there have been major outside issues going on with both of us that interfered with our life and caused a lot of stress) and so I kept seeing it as a sign he really wanted to stay with 'me'. And continuing to be intimate, etc. didn't help help the matter, either. But all along he'd keep saying nothing changed, he still felt the same (meaning, he wasn't in love anymore, etc) and still wanted out, etc. This was a very confusing thing for me - I felt like he was pushing and pulling me depending on his mood. And because I was hopelessly in love with him - all I could do was be with him and hope he'd realize he really did love me and wanted to stay and continue building and sharing our lives together.

Well, almost two years into it - we've stopped being intimate earlier this year when I had to put my foot down and say it needed to stop unless he meant it as more than just playing around - because to 'me' it meant more and kept making me think he felt differently. So he stopped all physical affection with me at that point - even hugging went out the door. Although we still shared our oversized 'chair' each night while watching TV and sleep in the same bed, etc.

He's confided in me that he sees me as his best friend, the person who knows him best and knows the most about him, and the person he talks to the most and confides in the most and tells things no one else knows about him. And this is how I feel about him. I've always felt that way - which is why it felt so 'right'. Like I was with my best friend, lover and life partner. And we were happy truly for 5 years solid until outside things starting interfering. With me, it was a serious health issue and with him, starting a new business. He's since left the business and my health problem has become something I have learned to manage better and live with productively.

We've been through a lot together; I've been hurt so deeply by him throughout all that happened and how he handled things yet, I still love him and kept hoping it would somehow work out. Even now - I still have that hope deep down. Although now I've removed myself quite a bit, shut down a lot of my emotions and feelings for him in an effort to protect myself. But we are still able to share a good portion of our relationship that was positive all along - the close friendship, the trust, confiding, etc.

Now, he just doesn't know 'what' he wants. His last idea was to get an RV and go live in different parts of the country for a few months at a time. He 'loves' me and my daughter and considers us his family but he just doesn't know what he wants to do with his life period and unfortunately, we've (me mainly) have become a casualty in his unrest and his 1/3 life crisis.

I still miss us, I miss how things used to be with us and I know they could be that way again but I can't let myself go down that path because unless it's a permanent deal, I can't do that to myself emotionally. I want someone who's going to be around, who wants to share their life with me and build a future with me and knows they want to be with me for the rest of their life. Things I 'thought' we had together.

The thing is - I still don't have that feeling that there's someone else out there waiting for me. It's never come back since I've been with him And I don't know what that means. Does it mean I really am with the person I'm meant to be with and all that's goin on is part of it and things are going to work themselves out in the end, we'll be together? Or did I miss my one chance in life? Was he it and now he's on his own separate journey and I'm SOL? I don't know what I believe anymore.

To me, love and family and friends are the most important things in life. It is what life is about; the rest of life is meant to be enjoyed and shared with the people we love and care about. I want to have my soulmate, my best friend and lover and partner by my side to share all the wonders of this life with - I want to be there for them and know they are there for me. I want to have someone to go through all the ups and downs and twists and turns with. To have that intimate and special connection and bond with that one other person in this world who really 'gets' me and loves me just the way I am; and whom I 'get' and love just the way they are.

is that too much to ask? I hope not. I just don't want to keep watching my life pass me by while I'm feeling so alone and lost and wishing I had that special person with me to share myself with again. It's hard to know what to do. Do I listen to my heart? Am I even hearing it right? Everything has led me to stay where I am still - is that really where I'm meant to be? If so - when does this torture end and when will he love me again?

Will I be loved again?