The Blog of 9dragonz

Really confused today. The live in ex bf - whom broke up with me early last year but yet, hasn't moved out and continues to want to be friends - and me, the dumbshit who didn't move out at first because I thought after 5 great yrs together, owning a home and the fact I felt we were committed to growing old together, that he was confused and would wake up and change his mind. After a lot of shit in between now and then - many downs and a few ups and a lot mindfucks I've been through - we still live together and get along like great friends (like before we became an official 'couple'). Because he needs me and the support and friendship I offer him and I'm still in love with him and even though it's been hell, like dying a slow death watching the one you love become a stranger in front of you - live their 'new' life in front of you and so forth - while my life has basically just stopped and got stuck in limbo and deep, dark depression. Just making it through hour to hour some days was a challenge I thought I might lose. But I have stuffed a lot of my feelings on a day to day basis to make things 'easy' and cut the stress/tension as much as possible as my daughter also lives with us.

So after too many times of him doing things/saying things that seem to be signs that he's 'trying' and interested in working things out w/me and then them getting smashed to the ground - I'd finally reached my last straw and snapped. I knew it was never going to change, this horrible circle I've allowed myseld to live in for more than a year and half now, and he's not going to leave - so as much as I think it's unjust/unfair and just plain cruel to be the one who has to pick up my entire life, my daughters life and move out of our 'home' because he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore - it was the only way I could change this situation for myself because it's not healthy. I've known this all along, just didn't have the strenght to walk away from the person I loved and any bit of hope that might be alive; to the point where I've directly almost 'begged' him to please LEAVE me and set me free because I can't do it. So, finally had enough hurt and let downs and was mainly pissed at myself this last time for being a dumbass for the umpteenth time thinking his actions mean anything at all.

I started looking for a place live - preferably buy. Didn't tell him at first to avoid pressure of expectations I'd be moving out soon. First, I have to find out what I can afford, if I can buy and find a place I'll feel good about moving into. But we finally did talk and it was a calm discussion even.

He's been going to counceling on his own as this whole thing has been him basically stepping away from every aspect of his life because he suddenly isn't happy anyway or with anything and doesn't know what he wants or what to do. I was extremely hurt and damaged that I was something that got thrown in that bucket. People who are truly in love will at least know they want to be with you - if nothing else. And can look to you to help them through their struggle & journey. But not the case here.

Well it seems he's been changing more and more, returning to his previous self  - when things were good with us. And seems to be saying more and more things as 'testing the waters' to see how I respond or is trying to tell me something without actually telling me. ?? But it's the boy who cried wolf - I've been through this too many times and now I'm extremely guarded with him. It's really sad to see how I feel with him change to him being the closest person in my life, the one I trusted fully, felt safe with, accepted by and just totally open and vulnerable with to now having all these hurtful experiences in my heart and still working through it all and feeling now I have to protect myself from him - emotionally.

But I broached the topic of the places I've looked into buying possibly and made a 'teasing' comment, which was part serious that I've been looking at these since he's kicking me out of my own house. He said he wanted to talk to me about that but has been hesitent because usually those kind of talks haven't gone well with us. But he hasn't said whatever it is yet. Only seems to be making more and more comments that take it down the line of things he'd have said/done when we were together and what hes avoided all this time between. And he's become a lot more touchy/feely - playfully trying to tickle me, pat me, hug me, etc.

It's like he's trying to flirt all over again and show interest but doesn't have the 'whatever' to actually 'say' what's going on. And with me, until it's been made crystal clear as to what his intentions are and what he's willing to do and commit to - I'm not biting.

So it's been confusing and I'm curious as to what it all means. Of course I enjoy being treated this way again - it's been forever since he's said and done such sweet and affectionate, ego boosting things with me - but it's just hard to relax and truly enjoy it because I've got my guard up so I dont get hurt yet again - when I'm still not healed from everything else that's happened yet.

Why does life work this way? I don't understand. I really don't. I'm tired of being 'tested'; I feel like I've had numerous tests in my life time and have 'passed' them. So what is going on!!!???